You know you love me

Entry #790- Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 03:48:14 GMT

I'm going friends only. Yeap. Finally. Sorry for the inconvenience to those of you who read my journal and don't have an account, but this has been a long time coming.

Manda

Entry #789- Just driving away, leaving it all behind

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 06:09:57 GMT

I am tired. And delirious.

My life is insanity personified. I wish I could write about the things I feel in here. I hate how guarded I feel. I hate how fake I'm being. I'm too nice to be real. Is that what niceness really is? Fake. Are all nice people fake? Not all fake people are nice. In fact, everyone says that they hate fake people. What if the real issue is that the people we think are fake are the only ones that actually give us a small sample of their true self every now and then, giving us enough to know that they aren't always real? What if the truly fake people are the ones who are so fake that we have no way to tell if they really are fake, so we just assume that they're real?

Nothing is as it seems. People pretend to be happy in situations that upset them. Any person who has lived any significant amount of time in their life will tell you that it is just the way people deal with things. We are fake because we are too afraid to let the world see how our lives really are. Being honestly yourself with while the whole world is watching is the hardest thing for anyone to do. We laugh when we want to cry. We giggle when we're nervous. We grin and bear it when we want to punch someone. We euphemise it as ethics and etiquette.

Humans are so twisted, upside down, and backwards. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It doesn't happen.

Manda

Entry #788- We're only good for the latest trends

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 18:48:31 GMT

Weird dream last night.

The most vivid parts of the dream are super choppy, which I blame on my waking up and falling back asleep this morning.

In no particular order:

A bunch of us were all on stage. I think it was supposed to be like cast and crew for something, but it also felt a lot like choir. I specifically remember Hannah, Maddie, and Rachele being there. We were all up on stage (but not the RV stage, it was much bigger than that) and we were supposed to be singing a certain song. When the music came on (apparently we were being accompanied by a CD, which is something I've never experience in a choir-format and think is cheesy), it was the wrong song but some of the girls knew it anyways. I was getting sort of into it, dancing around and whatnot, and I felt sort of self-conscious because my parents were in the audience, as were I think some of my other family members. We kept being shifted around on stage by a person who was unimportant in my dream. Finally we sang our song properly and came off stage. I sat in a seat next to Angie (not crew Angie, this was Angie Knerl). We were both wearing white, but I specifically remember that I was wearing the toga costume that I picked out for work. Angie was wearing some kind of rennaissance-y white dress. We were sort of embraced, in the way that our friends do, just sitting there. I believe that we were either supposed to be watching something or else it was during a time when there was nothing happening on the stage. Jack came up to us and sat in front of us, and we talked to him some. He smiled at me and I smiled back. A little while later, Elise and Joel were sitting with us talking about elementary school and whatnot. Angie and Elise didn't recognize each other at first, until I made a comment about all of us going to elementary school together. It was weird.

We were on a tram-type bus in France. As we got off, there was a sign in French and I noted how easy it was to get around a country where you know limited amounts of the language after going to Italy. We went into a book store, that was also partially my dad's friend's house (this particular friend being Greg, who currently lives in Iowa City and went to college with my dad). We wandered around, and in one room, my dad started playing with this remote control that went to their bed. It was an air mattress that could lose or gain air from a push of the button, and also rotate any way or flip itself over. I remember chiding my dad for messing around with it, knowing that they would have to fix it all when they went to sleep that night. The book store part was interesting. Everything was completely in english, but it didn't seem weird that all the books in this french bookstore were not in french. We went in to find a book for my dad and once he found it, he told my brother and I that we could each get a book. I'm not entirely sure that we ever did find a book each, but Dave did point out a glass container thing that we both knew was an alocohol container (but it should be more of an oil holder, considering the shape and whatnot). It was a greenish color.

And that's all I can really remember right now. I might try to decipher all of this later.

Dreams are weird.

Manda

Entry #769- And we're changing our ways, taking different roads, love will tear us apart

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 23:20:19 GMT

Today was good. Judging solely off the fact that I got up on time, left on time, and didn't get in a car accident, I would classify it as a good day.

English was general lame Macbeth-ness with some being flirted at by Nic. Whatever, I'm used to his antics by now.

Astronomy was... tense. There was a lot of unhappiness between Allison, Hannah, and myself and it was... interesting.

Lunch was good. Frustrating at times, because the discussion took the course of religion... and given the person I was arguing with, it was impossible. So I ended it before I got too worked up.

Spanish was good. I learned how hardcore I suck at speaking spanish under great pressure. That was... generally bland, but at least I have something to work on now.

Newspaper was mass suckiness. Rathbun is gone because she's trying to give birth to a baby, and now... it is horrible. Dan got really bitchy and angry at one point, and it went all downhill from there. I'm really thinking that dropping at semester is the best thing for me to do. But knowing me, it won't happen.

After school was lightyears better than the rest of my day sounds.

Matt Marsh depressed me yesterday night. I lost a lot of respect for him, because he chided me for liking Fall Out Boy. He told me that it was a "scene" thing to do and that I shouldn't like them or something. Talked about how he liked them four years ago when everyone thought they sucked. Yaddayaddaya. Basically, it made me sad that he is more of a sellout than Fall Out Boy could ever hope to be, because he changes his tastes with how popular a band is. His happiness with a band is inversely related to their popularity. Whatever. I told him that there was no way in hell that I was going to stop listening to Fall Out Boy because I listened to them before they got on the radio and MTV and I'll be listening to them afterwards. After wednesday, there is no possible inkling of me ever not liking Fall Out Boy. They stole my heart.

Manda

Entry #768- Don't ask me out, don't make me try 'cause I don't wanna let you down

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 00:32:19 GMT

Fucking computer. I had nearly a novel written about the show last night.

But... happiness, so I will retell my story, although this will probably end up being the sparknotes version. Lucky for you!

So getting to the concert was quite the little fiasco including (but not limited to): being hit on my mexicans who we almost ran off the road (I will never understand males), me directing Allison into oncoming traffic (thank God there was a parking lot for us to turn into quick), driving aimlessly around Denver, frustration from mostly Allison and I (Kileight might've just been covering it well, or she just wasn't nearly as tense as we were), and finally me calling my mom for directions. Colfax has never looked so wonderful to me... it 'only' took us about 20 minutes to find it. There's nothing like, "Well, if nothing else, we can always just hire a hooker"... but the overall experience was way better than the prospect of three teenage girls hiring a hooker (I don't think it was possible for the conert to be worse than that).

We got there a whole hell of a lot later than we expected to... downtown Denver during rush hour is a bitch. When we found a (really freaking great) spot to stand, Kileigh asked the guy standing next to us if Panic! At The Disco had gone on yet and he replied with a highly intelligent *cough* response of, "Uh, I dunno *blank face*". He even had on an Overcast Kids shirt... being a part of the FOB fan club should imply that you check out their reccomendations...? Maybe not, I suppose I am wrong and that he must just simply have the surplus of money to blow on random fanclubs.

Panic! At The Disco finally did come on around 6:00-ish, and it was exciting times forty trillion. Their set was really short and I was kind of sad, but all is well, for it was Panic! and I got to sing along with them live and be one of the few kids who actually knew all the words. I felt specialful. This is the only set that I can recite all the songs that they played, so I will... because I'm cool like that. Granted, they only played a measely four songs. But it's all good. In any case, they played "The Only Difference Between Suicide and Martyrdom is Press Coverage", "But It's Better If You Do", "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have With Her Clothes Off", and "Time To Dance" in that order. And in between rocking out and admiring the fact that the lead singer has a really nice butt (which says a lot, as I am not much of a butt person), I noticed a certain Peter Wentz lurking off in the wings just opposite where we were standing. Near-fan-girl-swooning... although I had to keep composure so as not to look like a dithering ditz. Which I really was, but I have more dignity than that. *cough*

After their set, Allison and I (rather reluctantly) left Kileigh to fend for herself and protect our spot in the audience. And I can tell that is no easy task, so the fact that Kileigh managed it is amazing and she gets mad props for that. In any case, the merch selection was slim and it was sort of sad, especially when the people working weren't real merch people, they worked for the Fillmore. So that was sort of lame. But we still got two shirts and a book each, so all is well. Huzzah for our cool Panic! shirts, my Clandestine shirt, her FOB shirt, and The Boy With The Thorn In His Side. After that insane moment, we forged our way through the mass of people and back to our spot with Kileigh. And trust me, that is all much easier said than done, for nothing is harder than getting through a group of people while a band is playing.

Boys Night Out was decent, although Allison and I missed a good chunk of their set. Overall, they were entertaining for the most part... not really my style of concert-material. But considering the fact that I didn't really know their music that well to begin with, they started out with a disadvantage as far as sweeping me off my musical feet goes. I would say that they're very good for their style and maybe if I hadn't been distracted by the P!atD/MCS/FOB excitement, they might've been even better.

In between sets, Allison tried to go take out merch out to her car, but with no avail. So she waded her way back to us, and it was good. But during the time that she was gone, Kileigh commented on the amazingly ugly tapestry. Things that ugly should be outlawed, just for the record. Well, actually, it could've been worse, but not by much. We decided that it looked like it could be one of those awful knitted pieces that you would find on your grandmother's table and secretly yearn to light on fire. It was fun times.

Motion City Soundtrack was awesome times a billion and three quarters. Justin was hilarious... what with the "If someone gets hurt, just stop us... or something... we're not used to people rocking so hard at our shows. Well, not the part that we play in... you know..." Huzzah coherency! They played really really great songs and it made me super happy. Mass elation. When "The Future Freaks Me Out" came on, I was amazingly excited, so much so that it might be illegal. It was great times and I was amazingly happy and... :D :D :D They made me super happy, even if I couldn't really see all that well.

The Starting Line was up next. They were good... Although probably my second to least favorite set, after Boys Night Out. In any case, they played mostly songs that I knew, so that was a bonus for them. Especially since I'm not too savvy on their new album, mostly just their old one. One really freaking awesome part was when they played "Leaving" and towards the end they switched mid-song into "Sugar, We're Goin Down"... and the audience was baffled and excited all at once. It was great.

I'm not sure where to put this one, because it was kind of ongoing, but I'll put it here, before what will only assuredly be the Fall Out Boy fangirl explosion. Anyways, the security guards had bottles of water with holes poked in the lids to squirt into the mouths of the fans... help keep us hydrated and them from having to call an ambulence, right? Well, the security guard closest to Kileigh, Allison, and I was clearly a failure as a man because his aim sucked hardcore. Most of what we were supposed to be consuming went straight down our shirts. Fantastically terrible aim.

And finally...

FALL OUT BOY was orgasmic. They had a great setup, although Andy was so far tucked back that I could hardly see him. Pete and Joe kept switching sides, so that was really good that the audience got to see close-ups of them instead of just one or the other. Patrick sometimes switched with them too, so that was good as well. :) They had two "Acts" to their set, instead of having an encore. It was really cool. The first set was mostly their newer stuff, all the favorites off of their new CD. All the boys looked fantastic in their dressier-looking outfits. And I must say that Pete really is amazingly short. But sexy and hott and amazing and orgasmic. Joe is hilarious. I could definitely see myself dating him above any other member, just because he seems to be more laid back. Pete did this thing about how most bands have their fans stick up their middle fingers and "Fuck God" or "Fuck the President", but he said that they have more respect for Fall Out Boy fans than that. So he told us to "Stick up the ring finger on your left hand. This is to finding love in Colorado. Because you'll all have someone to wake up next to for the rest of your lives." My respect shot through the roof for them. And find love is what I did. Fall Out Boy is love. :D Anyways, Dirty came out and addressed the audience during the really short intermission and asked us how we were doing and whatnot and then had us chant "Mother fucking FOB" until they returned to the stage and it was funny. They came back onstage sporting Clandestine merch mostly, but also just looking more normal and laid back. They played all their older songs... including "Moving Pictures" which I was proud to be one of very few people who knew any of the words at all. Mass happiness, because I really really adore that song. Some bass licks, a salute, and lots of spinning later, they were playing "Saturday"- the cue that the set was coming to an end. They ended, walked off, and it was mildly sad, but I was just so freaking ecstatic that... I don't think I'll be coming down from this high for a while.

I haven't smiled so widely in my entire life. That was the best night of me life. Ever. The only possible way another night can top that is if I see Fall Out Boy in concert again.

I now know what true love feels like. And it feels like last night did. If it doesn't feel like that, it can't be love. Nothing can compare to that. The elation, happiness, thrill, excitement. This is to Pete.

This year is all about falling in love.

Manda

Entry #785-

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:37:22 GMT

I learned how to say "hunter" in spanish today, so I'm totally calling Hunter "Cazador" from now on. I saw him in the hall on the way to newspaper class and told him that. So he better be ready for it.

What would you guys rather read about in the newspaper: Philosophy and Psychology classes or Dr. Seuss?

pi8t5 <-67-ty687t 67ty78t656uyu9r76t7rtyiuihjoh8tyeiloveamandai8utreyu887rt65864

^That's Brittany Uris saying that she is sick of me being on "this livejournal shit." I'm intimidated now.

I didn't do my newspaper story that was due today and I don't really give a shit either. I'm pretty much done with this class at this point, because it is just so freaking retarded. I'm seriously considering dropping it at the semester because of the hardcore suckage of it all.

Nintendo Fusion Tour tonight!! Holy moo cow, I am so incredibly excited. I wore my Fall Out Boy shirt tonight, and it is exciting times thirty. I'm still trying to decide if I want to buy the Clandestine track jacket or not. It's around $50, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to carry that much money for one shirt.

Hoffy is flirting with James. I feel bad for James.

Speaking of which, some skank-ho chick was hitting on my on myspace and it was icky...

Manda

Entry #784- You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 23:41:34 GMT

Frank Sinatra is happy music, I totally agree with Hannah.

After a good, cleansing craft project last night, I'm feeling a lot happier. This is me not dealing with anything and getting by just fine. I'm just going to let God take me where he takes me and try to make as few conscious decisions as possible, for only when I let myself try to decide what is right for me is when my life goes absolutely haywire.

I'm unreasonably content and happy, all recent events considered.

Maybe it's because I slept in til 7:30 this morning. Maybe it's because the Nintendo Fusion Tour is tomorrow. Maybe it's because I talked to both Katy and Allison on the phone last night. Maybe it's because I'm finally sticking up for myself and not doing anything that doesn't seem right for me. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with the fact that my car looks bad with humor.

Speaking of my car and humor: at the stop sign on 80th and Alkire, I was waiting right behind a car with the back end all smashed in. Admittedly, it looked worse than my car, but if I could've been an outsider at that time, I definitely would've taken a picture of it. The way we were, I can only imagine that it might've looked like I had hit him. And I laughed to myself.

I watched the preview for Goblet of Fire again and got major chills again. I'm trying to add it to my myspace profile, but it's being sort of retarded, so we'll see how that one goes.

Just got the cash from my paycheck... good-bye money, hello NFT merch. :D

Manda

Entry #783- We're making out inside crashed cars and sleeping through our memories

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 22:51:29 GMT

My head hurts. I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die right now.

Actually, no, that's not right at all.

For those of you who haven't already found out (which may just be none of you at this point, because the school grapevine is insane): I rearended Mr. Franca on the way to school today. On 80th between Simms and the railroad tracks. There was a train stopped at the tracks and traffic was slowing down and turning around... Mr. Franca stopped and I didn't realise that he had stopped. And then there was mad jamming on the brakes and trying to stop in time... and then failing. The damage isn't too bad. His truck was fine, just a few dents on the bumper and he said it was a little loose. The hood of my car is all jacked up and looks like it has a massively ugly underbite. The front right headlight had the plastic all busted out of it, but the bulb is totally intact. I couldn't have been going too fast when the impact happened... and we're hoping that the frame isn't dented so they don't total my car. I got off with a $41.50 and 4-point ticket for following too closely, and I am eternally grateful for the officer, because he was a lot easier on me than he probably should've been. He also said that I should show up on the court date and hopefully they'll write it off as a faulty vehicle and it won't go on my permanent record.

I kept my composure quite well until my dad pulled into the garage. Then I broke down and cried for a half an hour because I just needed to.

I had to learn things the hard way, and I'm just thankful that it happened the way it did. Everything could've been about 80 times worse than it was, and I just keep thanking God that it wasn't any worse. I've learned my lesson and I can garuntee you that my driving habits will be changing. Thank God that my car is still drivable and that it is going to go in for plastic surgery next monday to get its face fixed. Poor thing. I kept looking at it and just moaning. That car has been way too good to me for me to do something stupid like that to it.

And that's my big news for the day. I've cried twice today, my head hurts, and I would like nothing more than to have this all be a dream... but I know better.

My life isn't at all how I would like it to be. I just want to be in college. Iowa City doesn't have much necessary driving...

*sigh* Get me the fuck out of this state. I'm done with Colorado. I need somewhere new.

I can't wait for the Costa Rica trip. Spanish is one of my few passions as of late.

Manda

Entry #382- Now I think I'm ready to bust a move

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:46:56 GMT

Ahah! I have figured it out.

It's not that I don't want a boyfriend. And it's not that I don't have time.

It's that Allison and I always share our mental diseases and menstrual problems.

I am afraid of commitment. Consoling Hunter and trying to help him through this has made me realise that I don't have any inclination whatsoever to put myself back in a position where I have a remote possibility of getting hurt like that again. Not now.

I want to just fastforward my life to a year from now. I want to be at the University of Iowa. I want to be distracted with trying to figure out how to deal with college. I want to suffer from lack of sleep because of work and homework and school. I want to go to football games and subsequently end up covered in beer. I want to be done with high school and all of it's bullshit. I want new bullshit to deal with. This is all far too repetitive for my likings.

And now it is time for me to sleep, for sleep is the next best thing to fastforwarding my life to college.

Manda

Entry #381- It's all about the song in my head

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 01:38:36 GMT

Jessica came to visit us last night!! And it was the coolest thing to happen in my life for... a long time. It was super happy and she even stayed and did strike and visited at the cast party. Fun fun happy times. :)

Closing night went (seemingly) better than the other two nights... which had humongously terribly obvious flaws in it. But... there was no random painted choir chair and no doors breaking and pictures falling off the wall, so all is well. I heard that there was some line stumbling, but whatever.

I hate how people will start rumors about horrible things. It really upsets me, especially since she is such a cool girl and would definitely never ever do anything like that. Bah.

The dragon puppet was amazing. I really miss that stupid little thing already. I made out with three male cast members through it. Which really means that my hand got a lot of action last night.

Strike went the fastest it has ever gone in RV history. Amazingly. I hated being the person who had to tell everyone where to put everything because my job was mostly uneventful and I felt like a slacker. And then it was really bad when I would go try to find another job to do and then people would actually need me in the shop. Bagah. But it was overall pretty decent.

We got done and whatnot and then it was over to Megan's house... where I went all retarded when I was trying to read the map, drive, and talk to Heather all at once. That was... bad times when I led Maddie and Rachy down the wrong street. But we figured it out in the end. And it was good.

Cast party was a load of fun. We sat around and stuffed our faces for a while and then we hung out and watched people play Jenga and Twister... and then we watched the (unbelievably long) slide show that Wes put together from the play. The only problem with it was that it was a bunch of pictures from like three days, so I was only in like two pictures. But all is well, because everyone laughed at me when I exclaimed "There's me!" :)

Then we all travelled downstairs to do the kick ass karaoke... "Summer Lovin'" "We Go Together" "Under the Sea" and other totally cool old songs. My throat hurt hardcore afterwards and still hasn't completely recovered. There was a lot of near-lesbianness and boys going "OOoh!" Overall, it was really good times.

And now I'm totally depressed that I won't see these kids on a regular basis anymore. I hope that I'll see them more around musical time, though. *crosses fingers*

Work today was unbearably dull. Nothing is more thrilling than moving the leftover Halloween stuff on the clearance isle, taking down hooks, and cutting ribbon. And by nothing I really mean everything. Cutting ribbon is approximately a billion times less entertaining than watching paint dry. Oh, but I tell a lie about it being totally uneventful. Kyle came in today to buy some wrapping paper. I have to wonder if he really needed wrapping paper or not. But it was funny and I was tired and yeah.

I don't make sense at all. Especially not when I was up late.

I told my parents today that I want to go to Iowa. They looked at me like I was insane and then Jim changed the subject. So... I don't know what they think, but I also only care a limited amount.

Yeah, this mammoth entry is all for now.

Manda

Entry #780- It could be an accident, but I'm still trying and that's more than I can say for him

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 00:29:43 GMT

Ummm...

The more I have to do with boys the less I think I should. I can't possibly focus on a boy at this junction in my life... I thought about it and I realised that I barely have time to see my friends, let alone entertain a boyfriend that lord only knows I won't be talking to in 6 months time anyway. I don't want to waste the limited time I have left with my friends... College is right around the corner.

Sometimes I think about where I'll be in a year. I'm always doing this... mostly just within the past few years I've been in high school. Every single time I get better at identifying the main idea of where I'll be, but as would be normal, it's never totally correct. My life is full of turns, detours, and roadblocks. The scenic route, hopefully. I don't remember the last time I was nervous about where I'd be in a year. It was always just "Oh, another year at Ralston Valley." Well, that's gone now. This is the last year here. After this, I'll look back and half-cringe and half-smile upon high school. I'll probably end up in a place where no one went to high school with me... there won't be anyone to reminsce with. It scares me in so many ways.

I am unbelievably picky. And by picky I really mean selfish and selective. I only seem to want what I can't have or what would be totally illogical. I like to make up personalities for people I don't know... and then I find myself disappointed or completely uninterested when I start to learn who the person really is. My fantasy world is so much more enticing than my real life. Although the fake makeout session with Hayden and Jack last night was pretty intense. My elbow hurts now.

And then I realised that was the closest I've gotten to getting action in well over 9 months. Not that it is really a long time compared to the 16 years I spent actionless (okay, it was technically less than that because of the neighbor boy that I made out with around the side of the house when I was still young enough to not be in school but old enough to know that girls are supposed to kiss boys).

I don't know how this happens. My life is a complete mess and I have no control over any of it any more. I don't even know half of what is going on in my life right now. I'm being psuedo-hooked up with some boy that talks to Mallory more than me. In all complete honesty, I'm getting bored. There is no rush of any sort when I hear every single thing third hand. Contrary to what some may think, I'm more of a private person when it comes to liking someone and I don't want to take the chance of everything travelling through a grapevine. It's frustrating that he could be so infatuated with me and yet not have the ability to tell me the things that he says to Mallory. I like 'em feisty. I like to be chased after in a more aggressive way. ... which really translates into "I'm lazy", I suppose.

I'm thisclose to beginning to like another boy. Which not only makes me a horrible person, but a really incredibly horrible person. In multiple ways. I don't know what to do, and part of me kind of wishes that it would all go away and I could just continue being lonely and single. It's so much easier to mope about and write angsty Fall Out Boy lyrics all over everything.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!! One of two wonderful bright spots on my horizon is getting brighter and brighter. The Nintendo Fusion Tour is on Wednesday... which means that I'll be obsessing over whether or not I am going to get that Clandestine track jacket or the Clandestine hoodie. Or if I'll just ask for them for Christmas. And if I should buy the tie that I really want but don't have much purpose for. How much money I need to take to get everything I want. I want a Panic! At The Disco shirt, a Motion City Soundtrack shirt, some Fall Out Boy/Clandestine merch, and some buttons from all of them. I'm so excited that I really can barely contain myself.

The other bright spot is the 4th Harry Potter movie is due to come out in 13 days. Which means that in 13 days, I'll be utterly exhausted, elated, and otherwise in Harry Potter euphoria. Hopefully. Midnight showings on school nights is the new in thing. Maybe not new, but still amazing. Yay Harry Potter :)

Closing night of the best fall play I've seen at Ralston Valley. The past two nights the crowds have been really skimpy, and it makes me sad. This cast totally deserves so much more than that. Not to mention the set is surprisingly good, considering how unbelievably horrific it was at times during crew. But seriously. It's awesome. Come see it, bitches.

"We're only liars, but we're the best. We're only good for the latest trends. We're only good 'cause you can have almost famous friends. Besides, we've got such good fashion sense."

"I for one see no blood from the hearts and the wrists you allegedly slit. If the scene were a parish, you'd all be condemned."

"I'm on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move, check it out I'm rocking steady."

"If you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far. Don't worry baby, just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry- you don't have to worry..."

The symbols on my Mae shirt mean "beauty". Go figure that I'd need to go to a tattoo parlor before I found out what they meant.

Manda

Entry #779- Had the best time of my life without you

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 00:02:09 GMT

Ummm... so much to say... so little I feel comfortable writing down for anyone's eyes to pry into. So... um... I just won't write about that.

In fact, I find that the times when I have my most profound and personal thoughts, they aren't shared in here. Too many risks that I'm not yet willing to take. It's interesting to see the often mostly meaningless babbling that I write in here compared to the more accurate and raw thoughts that I write in my paper journal. Weird things, weird things.

Today was one of those days that was just good all around. I hope it continues being good. We'll see though, right?

A weird thing about me: I realised that I hate compliments. I know, bizarre. But the thing is, I really truly do not have the slightest idea how to respond to them. I get awkward and want to change the subject because being awkward sucks. I'm so much better with insults... sarcasm, meanness, and other seemingly bad things. Being feisty and indignant is so much easier for me. Compliments make me bashful and timid. And I don't like it.

And at the same time, I love getting them because I let my mind mull them over after the fact and it makes me happy. As long as I block out the momentary awkward feeling.

Fun times. I have to be back at school at 6:30 for the show again. Last night was good... minus Chris breaking a door and subsequently knocking a whole bunch of pictures onto the floor. Because, you know, we just totally wanted to have to come in today after school to fix the set. Hopefully they'll redirect their energy to another (more productive) outlet. Overall, I hear that it was really good. I know that they can be really really fantastic, because their rehearsal that I saw on tuesday was amazing. :) I love these cast kids, their so much better than the musical cast kids- they appreciate us and are nice to us and would like to befriend us. They're not pompous and stuck up. They renew my faith in the human race.

Manda

Entry #778- If you need me, call me no matter where you are no matter how far

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 04:58:49 GMT

I. Am. So. Tired.

And I have an assload of homework that I need to do and um... literally negative motivation to do it. I'm so incredibly tired that I just want to lay down and sleep for ten years.

No astronomy for us crew kids tonight. It sounds like Pennell was sympathetic. But we still have to go to class tomorrow anyways. So whatever.

I hate hate hate hate hate homework. But I shall go work on it.

Manda

Entry #777- cue lights, groaning sounds, eye rolling, and head smacking

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 05:06:09 GMT

My family is quite literally just one episode of guilt tripping right after the next.

"You don't appreciate your grandparents"
"You don't ever want to come visit us"
"Why don't you want to go to Iowa?"
and so on.

The thing is- I want to go to Iowa for college. Which puts me a good two hour drive from my grandparents. Right now, I have a highly limited amount of time left with my friends and I would like to take advantage of that time (hypocritical statement after today, but shut up). *sigh*

I hate it. Like being ganged up on by all of your family members. Only in a nice way. So you can't really get mad at them.

I blame my father for this e-mail. He had to have said something to her on saturday.

Manda

Entry #776- There's no prize for consolation

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 04:44:49 GMT

I am the most selfish person I know. This is one of the many things I learned today, along with (but not limited to): I can't be left to my own devices for too long or I go psychotic, I still have extreme bitchy-abilities, I still can't hold a grudge for longer than a few hours, crying isn't as much fun as I remember it and it makes me tired, and the next senior ditch day better promise to be cooler or I'm going to school.

Today was a meh day. Extreme suckiness balanced by cool parts.

Frank Sinatra makes me want to make out with a boy. So in a way, he makes me horny. Which makes me giggle.

EXIT THE BODY is a really kick ass play and all of you cool Colorado kids better come see it or I will personally kick all of your asses. That's right. Fear me. You all know you want to see it anyways. So buy some tickets from one of us cool crew or cast kids and come support the awesomeness.

I still refuse to do homework until it is absolutely necessary to the point where I would fail the class if I didn't do it. Because that is how much I hate homework.

It's 9:45 and I yearn to sleep. I woke up approximately 12 hours ago. This is what we call insanity.

Kileigh is super cool because she is as FOB obsessed as Allison and I. Which gives me warm fuzzies. :D

I have nothing more to say.

Manda

Entry #775- I can't fucking stand it when you're around

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 17:50:01 GMT

I never get to do the cool and fun things anymore.

Entry #774- It's something sensual, it's just not conventional

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 05:58:10 GMT

Halloween=teh coolness.

We've found other purposes for my Harry Potter robes... like being a Sith Lord, because, um, they really do make me look like a Sith Lord when I have my hood up. It is amazing, and Ben took pictures so hopefully I'll have those up sometime in the nearish future. :)

Huzzah for Senior Ditch Day tomorrow and my dad offering to call me in. There's no way I'm going. No point, and I can do my Mars orbit tomorrow during the time that I would be in school and thus meaning that I will save myself from insanity.

Life is good. I feel truly content with where I am in life. So much so that all I really want to do is stare at the stars and contemplate anything that goes through my mind. Stars are so soothing and amazing. I want to go somewhere far away from the city with all the light pollution and just gaze for hours on end.

But I think I'll go sleep now. Because sleep is my friend and I'm kind of hoping to make up for some lost sleep time. We'll see how that goes.

Manda

Entry #773- When the lights are dim and your heart is racing

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 03:15:03 GMT

So guess who didn't realise that last night was daylight savings time ends until I was blowing up balloons at work? *points to self*

And I couldn't figure out for the life of me why the clock in my car was an hour fast... *headpalm* Nothing like being confused and disoriented. And by confused and disoriented I really mean retarded.

Theresa came into my work today and I wanted to spray the black hair spray in her eyes. I mean what? I'm not a violent child. *innocent face*

Mission: Make Him Notice Us- Complete
Mission: Make Him Feel Stupid- Complete

Launching tampons is the new All-American Pasttime. You best believe it, beeetchis.

Excuse me, could you tell me if this would make a good lawn ornament?

Apparently Kyle came into my work yesterday. I didn't even realise it. I feel like a horrible person now. What's more- he didn't say hi because he didn't want to seem like a creepy stalker. *confused blinking* I will never ever understand the male mind.

GREAT NEWS!!! I didn't even have to wear my costume to work today!! It was the most freaking amazing thing ever and I was ecstatic to get that call from Steve right as I was walking out the door. Huzzah. I never have to wear that stupid thing ever again. This is like the most exciting thing to happen to me in some time... which would classify my life as unbearably dull and horrific.

But hanging out with Emily during obsene times of the night makes up for it. Because nothing is cooler than slapping a huge and tacky gift bow on a package of TP.

:D

Manda

Entry #772- I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 17:50:00 GMT

Change of plans for me. My hope to sleep in and get some largely inordinate amount of sleep was foiled by Allie, who needs me to come in early to work for her because she's feeling sick. Whatever, I know how that goes, so I'll just be the zombie Greek goddess today.

I've never once woken up the quickly and felt that terribly all at once. The phone rang, I looked at the caller ID, saw "Party America", looked at my clock blinking like there had been a power outage, and immediately thought that I was late to work and that I was screwed for eternity. Then I found out that it was 4 hours earlier than I thought it was and couldn't help but be disappointed that I didn't get nearly as much sleep as I was hoping.

Homecoming last night was freaking amazing. I don't know if I have time to resize the (very few) pictures I got last night, but I'll get them done sometime today (although I just reminded myself that I do have a considerable amount of homework to do as well). I'm not sure where to begin summarizing it, so I'll just do that later. You know, in the time that I don't have to do anything.

I'm really not looking forward to the 5 hours of work ahead of me. Gag me now.

I'm really really really really tired. And I hurt everywhere. But it was all so very worth it. Emily and I have some really amazing stories to tell now, so that's way fun. The people in Walgreens definitely thought we were high.

Who needs drugs when you can get high off your friends?

:)

Manda

Entry #771- The future freaks me out

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 19:26:54 GMT

I hate being stressed/pissy/lazy all at once. It is a horrible feeling and I know that if I had the time, I would absolutely love to just sit down and cry. Crying would remind me that I am in fact still a human, not this weird robotic creature that I have evolved into being.

It never really hit me how much shit I do constantly until Hannah told me that she doesn't know how I am still sane. Not that I am (or ever was) sane, but you know. I still don't know how exactly tonight will end up working out. But at this point, there is nothing more for me to do except stop stressing about it and let God take over. It'll all work out in the end and I'm sure we'll have an amazingly fun time and it will be good. I just need to chill out temporarily.

I'm no longer remotely worried about not being let into the dance- Ellen said that they don't really even have a dress code. Hurrah for that.

I have to go to work soon. I don't really want to go at all. Although, there is something sickly fun about blowing up balloons. I wonder who I work with today... I should check that out.

Manda

Entry #770- Like the last time I committed suicide, social suicide

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 03:37:35 GMT

Work blows. Literally, we blow up balloons. Ba-dum-chish. Sorry, that was a horrible joke. I think my brain rots away in that place.

It is a friday night at 9:20 and I am thinking of going to bed. Because this is the extreme lameness my life has become. I wake up, grudgingly get out of bed, go to school, am doing one of about five different things until I go to bed at night. I am getting disgustingly close to being a robot. *shudders*

But in defense of my work, Steve is being super cool and working around the play schedule (which is really all of my free time and then some time that isn't free) for this week, which is super cool and I wanted to hug him when he told me that. But I didn't, because, um... that would be a tad bit awkward.

Saturday: 9-2 (=waking up early)
Sunday: 2-5

Not too shabby.

It was really eating at me to be selling colored hair spray dye and face paint to fellow RVHS students headed to the game. I really had to fight the urge to pack up and go to the game... it was awful. I'm super upset that I wasn't able to go to my senior homecoming football game. It's weird.

But it makes the fact that I'm going to the dance that much happier.

I have to buy my ticket to the dance at the door... not a big deal, I think I did that freshmen year.

Working out the kinks and whatnot with Ems tomorrow hopefully.

Excitement abounding and soreness setting in.

Manda

Entry #769- Let's give it up for the New Year

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 21:28:52 GMT

Last homecoming assembly... ever. is now over. And it was pretty cool. The seniors won the spirit stick as always... but it was close. There were some totally kick ass parts... and a lot of borderline pornographic parts. As Rathbun said, "All they needed was a pole". It was pretty bad.

But togas rocked. Minus the four or five supreme slut girls who had the same type of material as me. It made me sad. But it's okay, because mine wasn't slutty. Also, Pennell yelling "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR NIPPLE" to all of the boys who went shirtless under their togas was amazing times thirty billion. And then of course we got into this whole discussion on people not dressing appropriately and it was pretty kick ass. And then we had to get into this whole thing about a stick figure that Pennell drew... it went from a normal beach-go-er to a full out scuba diver because first it was a nudist stick figure and then it was a nipple-exposed stick figure... and then Pennell said it was a scuba diver. It was amazingly good times.

And I didn't want to learn at all today. It was really horrible after the assembly... it got my brain in all other places than school and it was generally a bad situation.

Mike just IMed me. I wonder if he's having another breakdown with Sarah or wants to hit on me again. *sigh* It's not even remotely entertaining anymore.

Janelle and Meghan came to visit us in Newspaper today and it was pretty cool... except for they just hung out with the so-called leaders. That class is ridiculous and I really understand now why I wanted to drop it. Kinda like how I wanted to drop choir. You know... two off-blocks would be kinda nice. Not that I will actually get those off-blocks, so I will shhh.

Still need to make arrangements with Em for tomorrow. I don't know when that is going to happen. Alas, I'm sure it will all work out in the end... so I won't stress about it. Mkay?

Here we go with the Mike thing... borderline hitting on me. Excuse me while I internally vomit.

I'm really looking forward to the dance tomorrow night. I have some kick ass lipgloss/lipstick shit that would totally complete a great outfit thing. It'll be amazing.

Time for me to go get ready for work. Hurrah for working until 8:00-9:30ish. *gags*

Manda

Entry #768- Let's get fucked up and die, I'm speaking figuratively of course

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:23:08 GMT

This is a funny song. :D

Dance is slowing going to kill me. My feet are already screwed up from pointe and I haven't been on it for very long. Boo for that. But I'm bringing it upon myself... so I shall shhh.

TOGA DAY is tomorrow. Yippee for that. I would be so much more excited if I didn't have to sit in front of The Supreme Annoying Dumbass (Nic) for an hour and a half. Gag me now. Please. WAIT! Comforting thoughts- first block is being cut short. HURRAH! Sweet baby Jesus, you really do love me.

Alyssa sort of explained and half showed us the senior airband thing for tomorrow and it should be pretty cool. I'm excited for it... although it's sad to think that this is our last homecoming assembly... Now I'm getting all sad and sentimental. No more.

Homecoming festivities have changed. Since it would only be Em and I celebrating a non-homecoming, we decided that was lame and that we would just be crazy and not take it seriously in the least. I'm not wearing a big pretty dress... something crazier. I'm thinking all black with super colorful accents. It could be super awesome. We'll see, though, because I'll have about 30 minutes to get myself ready for it, thanks to my wonderful work. Eye rolling will now commence.

Crew is absolutely ridiculous. More eye rolling. No one does what they're told to do or anything. It is a nightmare. We did three times as much last year with maybe a third the amount of people. And now we are being hindered because we have to babysit a bunch of underclassmen who think that it is just social hour. I want to just kick most of them off of crew and then let those of us who know what we're doing take over. But it's really hard when I'm working half the time. Bah.

I need to find out the for sure times for the saturday workday. And I need to work out everything with Emily as far as homecoming goes. So much to do and no time whatsoever to do it. Plus, I never see Emily on blue days.

I'm really looking forward to the homecoming assembly and such. :D

Hopefully I'll be able to walk tomorrow. Dance was nowhere near easy tonight.

Manda

Entry #767- I'm on fire, and now I think I'm ready to bust a move, check it out I'm rocking steady

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 04:53:31 GMT

IT IS SO FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE AT NIGHT TIME. And astronomy night wasn't nearly as cool as it should've/could've been... it ended up with us looking at random things and taking random pictures and then being moody and joking at the same time. We're all very controlling and stubborn that it'll be a miracle if we get anything accomplished in that class.

I did the incredibly stupid thing of giving Nic Sutton my cell phone number (because I am naive and too nice to say no when he asked for it for the project that I somehow ended up doing with him... I am retarded). He's already text messenged me twice. Neither one was very entertaining, and I'm sort of annoyed by it. And by sort of I really mean unbelievably annoyed. But whatever. This is what I get for being so freaking retarded. This is me rolling my eyes at myself.

Speaking of boys... I realised why I tend to attract girly boys. Not that it was a grand mystery or anything, it just suddenly clicked. I am an overly boyish girl who attracts girly boys. Boyish things are attracted to girly things and vice versa. Except for me, because I want a boyish boy. So maybe that makes me the equivalent of homosexual. Ish. In any case, my life is very screwy.

I also only seem to attract boys in the fall. I don't understand it at all. And then they get sick of me in the spring. Mike has been the only exception to all of this, because he started liking me in the spring and got sick of me in the fall... ok, earlier than that, but he didn't break up with me until fall. We'll blame his backwardness on the fact that he's mormon.

Today was a crazy day. I had so much to do in such a short amount of time... and then astronomy night ended up happening and now I have to do a full lab write up for chem tomorrow... basically, I'm screwed and shouldn't be on here right now. I think I'll try to get the pre-lab done tonight and then get the rest of the data written down tomorrow during access/choir/lunch. Wish me luck.

I will go try to defrost myself now.

Manda

Entry #766- I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 04:10:10 GMT

Well... I trust Brittney. She says that he isn't as creepy or brooding as my impression of him from homecoming and Lisa made him out to be. So, I might as well get to know him some, right??

And that's what I'm going to do.

She makes him seem like a truly fantastic guy, so I'll give him a chance. Might as well, you know?

:)

Also, Allison gets mad props for giving me Motion City Soundtrack and the other Mae CD... :D

And I suppose, Allison, that I have made up my mind that "No" is the answer. Just let him down easy, mkay? I'll talk to you about this tomorrow.

Dance was hard tonight. I can already feel my muscles complaining. Oi. We'll see how I am tomorrow.

Time for me to go do my homework and such. I should find my Macbeth book, and see if she'll let me use it or not in class.

I'm super tired times 80 trillion.

Manda