I'm going friends only. Yeap. Finally. Sorry for the inconvenience to those of you who read my journal and don't have an account, but this has been a long time coming.Manda
- Listening to:"Capital H" by Motion City Soundtrack
I am tired. And delirious.
My life is insanity personified. I wish I could write about the things I feel in here. I hate how guarded I feel. I hate how fake I'm being. I'm too nice to be real. Is that what niceness really is? Fake. Are all nice people fake? Not all fake people are nice. In fact, everyone says that they hate fake people. What if the real issue is that the people we think are fake are the only ones that actually give us a small sample of their true self every now and then, giving us enough to know that they aren't always real? What if the truly fake people are the ones who are so fake that we have no way to tell if they really are fake, so we just assume that they're real?
Nothing is as it seems. People pretend to be happy in situations that upset them. Any person who has lived any significant amount of time in their life will tell you that it is just the way people deal with things. We are fake because we are too afraid to let the world see how our lives really are. Being honestly yourself with while the whole world is watching is the hardest thing for anyone to do. We laugh when we want to cry. We giggle when we're nervous. We grin and bear it when we want to punch someone. We euphemise it as ethics and etiquette.
Humans are so twisted, upside down, and backwards. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It doesn't happen.
- Listening to:"There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, Honey..."
Today was good. Judging solely off the fact that I got up on time, left on time, and didn't get in a car accident, I would classify it as a good day.
English was general lame Macbeth-ness with some being flirted at by Nic. Whatever, I'm used to his antics by now.
Astronomy was... tense. There was a lot of unhappiness between Allison, Hannah, and myself and it was... interesting.
Lunch was good. Frustrating at times, because the discussion took the course of religion... and given the person I was arguing with, it was impossible. So I ended it before I got too worked up.
Spanish was good. I learned how hardcore I suck at speaking spanish under great pressure. That was... generally bland, but at least I have something to work on now.
Newspaper was mass suckiness. Rathbun is gone because she's trying to give birth to a baby, and now... it is horrible. Dan got really bitchy and angry at one point, and it went all downhill from there. I'm really thinking that dropping at semester is the best thing for me to do. But knowing me, it won't happen.
After school was lightyears better than the rest of my day sounds.
Matt Marsh depressed me yesterday night. I lost a lot of respect for him, because he chided me for liking Fall Out Boy. He told me that it was a "scene" thing to do and that I shouldn't like them or something. Talked about how he liked them four years ago when everyone thought they sucked. Yaddayaddaya. Basically, it made me sad that he is more of a sellout than Fall Out Boy could ever hope to be, because he changes his tastes with how popular a band is. His happiness with a band is inversely related to their popularity. Whatever. I told him that there was no way in hell that I was going to stop listening to Fall Out Boy because I listened to them before they got on the radio and MTV and I'll be listening to them afterwards. After wednesday, there is no possible inkling of me ever not liking Fall Out Boy. They stole my heart.
- Listening to:"Boombox Generation" by Motion City Soundtrack
Fucking computer. I had nearly a novel written about the show last night.
But... happiness, so I will retell my story, although this will probably end up being the sparknotes version. Lucky for you!( You only hold me up like this 'cause you don't know who I really amCollapse )
I haven't smiled so widely in my entire life. That was the best night of me life. Ever. The only possible way another night can top that is if I see Fall Out Boy in concert again.
I now know what true love feels like. And it feels like last night did. If it doesn't feel like that, it can't be love. Nothing can compare to that. The elation, happiness, thrill, excitement. This is to Pete.
This year is all about falling in love.Manda
- Feeling:Fall Out Boy is love
- Listening to:Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends
I learned how to say "hunter" in spanish today, so I'm totally calling Hunter "Cazador" from now on. I saw him in the hall on the way to newspaper class and told him that. So he better be ready for it.
What would you guys rather read about in the newspaper: Philosophy and Psychology classes or Dr. Seuss?
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^That's Brittany Uris saying that she is sick of me being on "this livejournal shit." I'm intimidated now.
I didn't do my newspaper story that was due today and I don't really give a shit either. I'm pretty much done with this class at this point, because it is just so freaking retarded. I'm seriously considering dropping it at the semester because of the hardcore suckage of it all.
Nintendo Fusion Tour tonight!! Holy moo cow, I am so incredibly excited. I wore my Fall Out Boy shirt tonight, and it is exciting times thirty. I'm still trying to decide if I want to buy the Clandestine track jacket or not. It's around $50, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to carry that much money for one shirt.
Hoffy is flirting with James. I feel bad for James.
Speaking of which, some skank-ho chick was hitting on my on myspace and it was icky...
Frank Sinatra is happy music, I totally agree with Hannah.
After a good, cleansing craft project last night, I'm feeling a lot happier. This is me not dealing with anything and getting by just fine. I'm just going to let God take me where he takes me and try to make as few conscious decisions as possible, for only when I let myself try to decide what is right for me is when my life goes absolutely haywire.
I'm unreasonably content and happy, all recent events considered.
Maybe it's because I slept in til 7:30 this morning. Maybe it's because the Nintendo Fusion Tour is tomorrow. Maybe it's because I talked to both Katy and Allison on the phone last night. Maybe it's because I'm finally sticking up for myself and not doing anything that doesn't seem right for me. Maybe it's because I'm dealing with the fact that my car looks bad with humor.
Speaking of my car and humor: at the stop sign on 80th and Alkire, I was waiting right behind a car with the back end all smashed in. Admittedly, it looked worse than my car, but if I could've been an outsider at that time, I definitely would've taken a picture of it. The way we were, I can only imagine that it might've looked like I had hit him. And I laughed to myself.
I watched the preview for Goblet of Fire again and got major chills again. I'm trying to add it to my myspace profile, but it's being sort of retarded, so we'll see how that one goes.
Just got the cash from my paycheck... good-bye money, hello NFT merch. :D
- Listening to:"Dancing Cheek To Cheek" by Frank Sinatra
My head hurts. I would like nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die right now.
Actually, no, that's not right at all.
For those of you who haven't already found out (which may just be none of you at this point, because the school grapevine is insane): I rearended Mr. Franca on the way to school today. On 80th between Simms and the railroad tracks. There was a train stopped at the tracks and traffic was slowing down and turning around... Mr. Franca stopped and I didn't realise that he had stopped. And then there was mad jamming on the brakes and trying to stop in time... and then failing. The damage isn't too bad. His truck was fine, just a few dents on the bumper and he said it was a little loose. The hood of my car is all jacked up and looks like it has a massively ugly underbite. The front right headlight had the plastic all busted out of it, but the bulb is totally intact. I couldn't have been going too fast when the impact happened... and we're hoping that the frame isn't dented so they don't total my car. I got off with a $41.50 and 4-point ticket for following too closely, and I am eternally grateful for the officer, because he was a lot easier on me than he probably should've been. He also said that I should show up on the court date and hopefully they'll write it off as a faulty vehicle and it won't go on my permanent record.
I kept my composure quite well until my dad pulled into the garage. Then I broke down and cried for a half an hour because I just needed to.
I had to learn things the hard way, and I'm just thankful that it happened the way it did. Everything could've been about 80 times worse than it was, and I just keep thanking God that it wasn't any worse. I've learned my lesson and I can garuntee you that my driving habits will be changing. Thank God that my car is still drivable and that it is going to go in for plastic surgery next monday to get its face fixed. Poor thing. I kept looking at it and just moaning. That car has been way too good to me for me to do something stupid like that to it.
And that's my big news for the day. I've cried twice today, my head hurts, and I would like nothing more than to have this all be a dream... but I know better.
My life isn't at all how I would like it to be. I just want to be in college. Iowa City doesn't have much necessary driving...
*sigh* Get me the fuck out of this state. I'm done with Colorado. I need somewhere new.
I can't wait for the Costa Rica trip. Spanish is one of my few passions as of late.
- Listening to:"Left Coast Envy" by The Starting Line
Ahah! I have figured it out.
It's not that I don't want a boyfriend. And it's not that I don't have time.
It's that Allison and I always share our mental diseases and menstrual problems.
I am afraid of commitment. Consoling Hunter and trying to help him through this has made me realise that I don't have any inclination whatsoever to put myself back in a position where I have a remote possibility of getting hurt like that again. Not now.
I want to just fastforward my life to a year from now. I want to be at the University of Iowa. I want to be distracted with trying to figure out how to deal with college. I want to suffer from lack of sleep because of work and homework and school. I want to go to football games and subsequently end up covered in beer. I want to be done with high school and all of it's bullshit. I want new bullshit to deal with. This is all far too repetitive for my likings.
And now it is time for me to sleep, for sleep is the next best thing to fastforwarding my life to college.
- Listening to:"7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)" by Fall Out Boy
Jessica came to visit us last night!! And it was the coolest thing to happen in my life for... a long time. It was super happy and she even stayed and did strike and visited at the cast party. Fun fun happy times. :)
Closing night went (seemingly) better than the other two nights... which had humongously terribly obvious flaws in it. But... there was no random painted choir chair and no doors breaking and pictures falling off the wall, so all is well. I heard that there was some line stumbling, but whatever.
I hate how people will start rumors about horrible things. It really upsets me, especially since she is such a cool girl and would definitely never ever do anything like that. Bah.
The dragon puppet was amazing. I really miss that stupid little thing already. I made out with three male cast members through it. Which really means that my hand got a lot of action last night.
Strike went the fastest it has ever gone in RV history. Amazingly. I hated being the person who had to tell everyone where to put everything because my job was mostly uneventful and I felt like a slacker. And then it was really bad when I would go try to find another job to do and then people would actually need me in the shop. Bagah. But it was overall pretty decent.
We got done and whatnot and then it was over to Megan's house... where I went all retarded when I was trying to read the map, drive, and talk to Heather all at once. That was... bad times when I led Maddie and Rachy down the wrong street. But we figured it out in the end. And it was good.
Cast party was a load of fun. We sat around and stuffed our faces for a while and then we hung out and watched people play Jenga and Twister... and then we watched the (unbelievably long) slide show that Wes put together from the play. The only problem with it was that it was a bunch of pictures from like three days, so I was only in like two pictures. But all is well, because everyone laughed at me when I exclaimed "There's me!" :)
Then we all travelled downstairs to do the kick ass karaoke... "Summer Lovin'" "We Go Together" "Under the Sea" and other totally cool old songs. My throat hurt hardcore afterwards and still hasn't completely recovered. There was a lot of near-lesbianness and boys going "OOoh!" Overall, it was really good times.
And now I'm totally depressed that I won't see these kids on a regular basis anymore. I hope that I'll see them more around musical time, though. *crosses fingers*
Work today was unbearably dull. Nothing is more thrilling than moving the leftover Halloween stuff on the clearance isle, taking down hooks, and cutting ribbon. And by nothing I really mean everything. Cutting ribbon is approximately a billion times less entertaining than watching paint dry. Oh, but I tell a lie about it being totally uneventful. Kyle came in today to buy some wrapping paper. I have to wonder if he really needed wrapping paper or not. But it was funny and I was tired and yeah.
I don't make sense at all. Especially not when I was up late.
I told my parents today that I want to go to Iowa. They looked at me like I was insane and then Jim changed the subject. So... I don't know what they think, but I also only care a limited amount.
Yeah, this mammoth entry is all for now.
- Listening to:"The First Time It Shouldn't Taste Like Blood" by BNO